College Essay 6

Your introduction is a little choppy, I suggest that you add a more attention grabbing conclusion sentence to help transition to your body paragraphs. I like the colloquial language, it helps to make your piece more relatable, however I would consider staying away from words like "belly"and the repetition of "other". Your connection of the sandwiches to a greater idea is clever and you support it well however, it is a little confusing at the beginning of the paragraph so you may want to find a way to connect the two together. Keep in mind that sentences should not end with prepositions or unclear pronouns. Your last two paragraphs are a little short, I think you should add a more personal reflection to make the essay more about you. The story at the beginning has a good foundation but it could be even greater if you connected it more to yourself and your achievements. Remember, you want to SELL YOURSELF :)